I’m Fine! Telling the Truth About How You Feel

Have you ever said “I’m fine” when nothing could be further from the truth?… So have we so you’re in the right place!

A common thread running through some of the articles we have written is the misinformation we were all subjected to about processing the normal emotions caused by loss. We do not want to create any new loss issues by blaming our parents in particular or society in general for having passed on ineffective ideas, skills, and tools for dealing with loss. All we want to do is help establish that what we have been using to process our sad, painful, or negative feelings hasn’t worked, and that we need to acquire more effective tools for dealing with loss events.

Much of the incorrect information we learned and practiced may have convinced us not to show our REAL feelings at any cost. We were taught to bury any feelings that dealt with sadness. We were taught: “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.” This and hundreds of other clichés about dealing with sad feelings taught us to lie about how we felt. And even the lying was protected under other misinformation like: “Don’t burden others with your feelings.”

I’m fine!
When we make public appearances we often ask large audiences this question: “Do you like being lied to?” Of course no one says yes. Our next question is: “How many of you have ever said ‘I’M FINE’ when you were feeling terrible?” Every single hand in the audience goes up. Conclusion: Nobody likes being lied to…and everybody lies about their feelings. If this were a physical illness it would be an epidemic and the Center for Disease Control would be granted billions of dollars to find a cure.

Every time we lie to others we lie to ourselves. Our subconscious mind hears the lie and continues to bury the feelings generated by the initial event. Unresolved losses are cumulative, and cumulatively negative. Time does not heal the pain caused by loss and neither does lying about our feelings.

It would be impossible to cure such a massive problem in a single blog, but let’s try for a little bit of recovery. Allow yourself to believe that the subconscious will take actions based on conscious commands. When we lied and said we were fine, we told it that there was no problem so it need not search out a solution. The net effect is to allow the cause of the problem to go unattended and rebury itself. The next time it attacks we may not be able to recognize the cause or source of the attack.

Tell the truth about how you feel!
A major key to recovery is to process every feeling in the moment you have it. It does not require any special skills to tell the truth about what you are feeling.

For example: “How are you?” … “I’m having a tough day, thanks for asking.” Notice that the answer is truthful but does not invite any help or advice. It also has the capacity of serving notice that you are not on your game and the other party can respond accordingly. When you say “I’m fine,” but you’re not, you have sent a very confusing message.

QUESTION: Sometimes I tell people “I’m fine” and they don’t believe me. Why not?

ANSWER: Approximately 20% of your ability to communicate is verbal, leaving about 80% as nonverbal. Nonverbal communication includes tone of voice as well as facial and body signals. When our verbal and nonverbal signals do not match, most people will respond to the nonverbal. So when you lie, most people can SEE it.

Written by Russell Friedman for griefrecoverymethod.com

When a Spouse is Terminally Ill

When you are looking into the eyes of your loved one declaring that you will love, honor, and obey each other until death, you really don’t know the full significance of those few words. You actually are vowing to take care of one another for the remainder of your lives. What happens when one spouse becomes terminally ill? Just hearing those words is devastating whether you have been together a year or thirty years.

In most marriages or relationships, both partners provide care for the other. One may handle household chores while the other, financial things. The couple typically settles into a routine to accomplish all these necessary tasks. When one becomes ill however, the other must handle all of the responsibilities, plus take care of the sick partner. This disruption of normal routines can be very stressful.

When a married person is diagnosed as terminally ill, their spouse often becomes the primary caregiver, taking on different roles as nurse, counselor, and personal assistant. The job of caring for a dying spouse can become very exhausting physically, as well as mentally. It would be very wise for the caregiver to accept any help offered by friends or family. This will allow the healthy spouse time to unwind and seek other outlets for their stress and anxiety.

After receiving a terminal diagnosis, most people will share the news with family and close friends. Many people will offer their help and well wishes. Sometimes, the ill patient will reunite with loved ones who have been distant. Sometimes though, the ill person may prefer the company of a small circle of loved ones. It is very important that the wishes and preferences of the ill one be respected and honored when allowing people to visit.

When faced with a terminal illness, it is urgent that legal business is handled. Having a legally binding document in place is the only way the terminal patient can assure that their end of life care will be given as they want.

It is not easy knowing you are going to lose someone you love. This time will be filled with many emotions. It is extremely important that the couple make and take time to express their love for one another. This is also the time to allow each other to express themselves. Allow the patient to voice anything they feel they need to say. Just letting the ill person know that they are truly loved can give them a sense of peace about death. Allow the dying spouse an opportunity to express their feelings and love to the surviving spouse. This expression of love can help both partners accept the reality of death.

Written by Pat Gibson for Seniorlist.com

How to Deal With Losses as You Age

The older you get the more loss you are going to experience and this loss will take many forms including friends, family, and even co-workers and people from around your neighborhood. Death is a part of life, but it doesn’t mean that grief gets any easier to handle. Losing those that you love and care about is difficult at any age but many seniors feel like they are losing everyone around them and this makes every loss even more profound.

Tips to Help with Grief
It’s important to remember through your bereavement that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. So many of us believe that we need to react a certain way, but everyone has their own way of grieving. Be sure that you allow yourself to mourn in a way that feels right and natural to you. It doesn’t matter how many times you have lost loved ones, it still hurts, so you should allow yourself to go through the grief process.

Many seniors are afraid to ask for help when it comes to their grief. Allow those around you to help you and don’t be afraid to let them know what you need. Perhaps you just need someone to lean on or talk to or maybe you need some help finding depression or grief counseling. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from those familiar to you.

Don’t grieve alone. There are many places where you can turn to get support and understanding. Many people get involved in depression or grief counseling, others find that grief support groups help, and others turn to the church or just read all of the literature that they can find on grief. The emotions that you are experiencing have been experienced by many and you don’t have to go through this by yourself.

Try to anticipate tough times. Many seniors are caught off guard by holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries and it makes the grief very hard to overcome. Think about these things in advance and try to surround yourself by supportive people during these times. Sometimes just having people around will make the days easier to get through.

As you get older you may find that some deaths are easier to get through than others. But, you should be prepared for the fact that new losses may resurrect the grief associated with old losses. Many seniors find that some deaths bring back the feelings that they experienced when their spouse or parents died. Allow yourself to explore these emotions.

Grief management can be difficult, but when you allow yourself to go through the motions of grief you will find that it is much easier. Remember that you don’t have to go through the process alone. Surround yourself with your own support system and don’t hesitate to learn more and interact with online support groups. Sometimes just the knowledge that you are not alone is enough to keep you going or will inspire you to reach out and cope with others. Grief is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s a normal human emotion process and when you embrace it you’ll find that you can move through it more constructively.

Written by Mike Vines for Seniorlist.com

Grieving the Death of a Spouse

After a spouse passes-on, the world can never be the same. One enters a state of grief, moving from feelings of shock, fear, and numbness, possibly into a state of guilt for being the one to survive. It’s not uncommon to feel anger towards your partner for abandoning you. There is no clear roadmap for grief, and emotions that arise can be startling and confusing. All of this is normal.

Symptoms of both emotional and physical pain come uncontrollably in waves, fits of crying, or disorientation. Many experience difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, inability to concentrate and make decisions.
For some people it doesn’t take long for these reactions to subside, for others it can take a very long time. But for all people in grief, the gripping pain eventually loosens. Some days seem to be easy and others very hard, but at some point the easy days begin to outnumber the hard days.
Sometimes mourning goes on too long, and can lead to depression and anxiety. If you feel your grief has not subsided for a very long time and you cannot perform your everyday tasks, talk to your doctor immediately.

Simple things you can do
In the beginning, you might find it best to keep focused on things you need to do to keep yourself busy. Friends and family members are around a lot during this time, but eventually you’ll need the courage to face the more solitary time. Taking care of yourself is your top priority. Do your best to exercise, eat right, and get plenty of sleep. Avoid too much alcohol or tobacco which puts your well-being at risk. Visit your doctor at the usual times, and take all necessary medications.

Be open with the friends that you trust. Sharing the truth of your feelings will help you to heal. You might also consider joining a grief support group. Talking to people in a similar situation, such as groups in hospitals and religious establishments can help you feel like you’re not alone. Individual therapy is also an option. Keep in mind that mourning takes its own time and runs its own course. For a while you might feel tossed-about by your feelings, but this too shall pass.

How to help a family member
If your parent or loved one loses a spouse, be sensitive to the fluctuation of their emotions. Allow them to experience their grief in whatever way it happens for them and be responsive to their needs. Gentleness, an open ear, and an open heart are some of the best gifts to offer.